My letter to Telkom

2 Dec


Dear Telkom
This is just a quick note to say how much I abhor you.
I realise that, due to your seemingly infinite stupidity you might not understand the word abhor. Well, let me help you out with that…
Abhor: to regard with extreme repugnance or aversion; detest utterly; loathe; abominate.

Basically what it boils down to, is that I think you are almost like cancer, except for (I am glad to say) there IS hope for cancer sufferers.

“Why” would be a question you would very well have asked by now, had you not been a blithering idiot. I would then proceed to tell you exactly why.
I went in to a Telkom shop to relocate my line. See, I figured that actually going to you might make things a bit smoother. Eliminate one link in the chain of possible fuck ups.
What do you do? Make me call the Telkom help-line (help line, hahaha) from in-store.
Why the fuck do you even have staff in store, or for that matter, stores at all??


Much to my surprise, I will gallantly admit, the call made was not complete torture. Without out too much brain damage I managed to convey to your seemingly semi-coherent phone-talker that I would like to relocate.
Procedures were followed, details were detailed and arrangements were made. Even some queries with regards to costing options and such relevant to the service I require (which, btw, is internet) happened.
After the call, I was happy. One less thing on my already swamped mind (if you have ever moved, you’ll know what I am talking about). On Tuesday (which is now today) Telkom will send me a tech dude to connect my line and make me internetactive again.
I even got an sms with a larney reference number and everything.

Now Telkom, the slightly sharper pencils in the packet would have gotten where I am going to with this rant by now. Don’t worry, I’ll spell it our for you (just as soon as you wipe the drool off your chin.. There you go):

Not only did today go by without any sign of your promised visitor, but when I called to enquire as to his whereabouts, I was told so many different stories that it could be published by Tolkien (don’t worry, I know you won’t get that reference).
First, there was no record of my relocation request. Then suddenly there was a record of my call, but nobody knew why.
Then, all of a sudden your one system said that yes, my line is to be relocated. But, and your helpline oxygen waster was very adamant about this, relocation is impossible BECAUSE THERE IS NO ADSL COVERAGE IN MY NEW AREA??! And all I have to do is understand that the other system did not agree with it and it must have been broken and… Blah blah blah.

Look, you need to understand one thing (and I realise it is difficult, but do try): I do not give a singly flying fuck about your internal workings (using the term working very loosely).
For all that I care you could have 17 tiny fairies running on treadmills while being milked for magical internet juice. I don’t give a fuck.
How you work is your problem. When your highly incompetent helpline operator started to try and explain why I am not getting the service I am paying you pathetic bunch of morons for, I just gave up.

And see, thus is the nature of your company. You make people give up. You, dear Telkom, are dream destroyers. You are nasty bullies on the play-ground of life.
You are the embodiment of everything that is wrong with this wonderful country of ours, and I passionately despise you with every part of my being.

I could go ahead and explain to you how and why and how much of an inconvenience this is. I could even ask you to refund me the money I now have to pay in order for me to get replacement internet. But you won’t give a shit. You never do.
I simply wrote this to vent my frustration.

May your empire burn to the ground amidst no tears whatsoever from me, or the countless others you have screwed over.

Sincerely, FUCK YOU


2 Responses to “My letter to Telkom”

  1. Nick 26 April 2016 at 22:54 #

    Wow, you totally summed up my personal feelings for this waste of tax payers money come waste of oxygen come waste of fucking energy called Telkom. Beautifully written article which should make front page headlines, but sadly, we all know that this saga in SA is only one of many on a sad list waiting to be resolved, if ever!!!!!!!!! Fuck the ANC for raping us so hard, and just when we’ve had enough, they put up taxes to compensate for their incompetence….

  2. voktelkom 23 January 2017 at 22:24 #


    I am not going to moan about the ADSL service or speeds from Telkom however I am going to complain about their Service or the lack thereof.

    Telkom is by far one of the worst fucking companies to deal with even worse than dealing with the South African governmental departments. I has become clear today that Telkom clearly has lost any ability in me to believe that this company could possibly make a turn around.

    What follows next is the level of stupidity or worthlessness that has a class or genus of its own.

    My Telkom Adsl line went down on Friday morning the 20th of January 2017 and when I called in to report it, this clown in technical informed me that ” no sir I cannot be dealing with this as this is a billing department issue , cause the account it shows she is suspended” eish.

    So I asked the telly tubby to please transfer me to the billing department, and stupid me for one moment believed that the largest telecoms company in SA could possibly own a PABX that is bridged with one another in order to do a transfer internally, well wishful thinking. In this day and age Telkom to date still cannot transfer any calls and we wonder why we F#$%ing support this company.

    Anyways, When I eventually reached billing department the lady in accounts confirmed that nope not a billing issue as the account is up to date and there is no suspension from their side I must speak to wait for it , wait for it, wait for it, Fuc#$$ing Technical department. Whoa eish I cannot believe I was so stupid to call billing department.

    So I called technical department again and again the telly tubby on the other side of the line said the same thing about contacting billing. I asked that the telly tubby to please hold on that I can do a conference call with his mothership ” the big momma , billing department ” and to the techs surprise the billing department confirmed same to her that the account is not suspended and it is active. The telly tubby in technical made a U turn and then blamed it on my ISP Web africa stating that now the ISP has suspended the line. Luckily for me I own a PABX that is so far from the future that Telkom might own one in the next 20000 years so luckily I could conference call with Web africa.

    Guess what happened Web Africa confirmed that Telkom is bullshitting me. ( No shit sherlock ) but I had to get the tech to hear it directly from Web Africa.

    At this stage you can image the Telly tubby’s brain signal she is not working anymore and cannot understand what is going on.

    So now the fun starts. The Telly tubby now tries to do something completely of script and decides it is going to do a very clever maneuver ( after I have told the telly tubby I have all ready tested with 5 different ISP accounts ) the telly tubby gives me a telkom guest account to test the ISP suspension. I input the details the guest account sync’s with the Telkom exchange and ………. …….. fokkol nothing nada samething happens as suspected. The telly tubby now asks me to try and go to yeh sure buddy If it does not connect I cannot browse anything.

    I asked for the IP address of SAIX to ping and see if we get a response and the tech could not for the live or all the brain cells in the world figure out how to get an ip address from a hostname. LOL LOL LOL really this is a Tech working with connectivity. This is the type of morons we the public have to deal with everyday. It is madness, ludicrous just plain disgusting.

    I can see this transformation thing in SA she is working for South Africa, the companies they just get dumber and dumber, transformation into fokkol, from something to nothing in 60 seconds, one time. You gotta love this country cause it only happens in SA.

    But hey everyone wants to drive a bmw or a merc but cannot put in the efforts to at least qualify yourself into the industry you are in.

    TELKOM you are a circus that are managed by clowns, idiotic morons that are a complete waste of air and space. I am sure my 8 year old daughter is much more technical than you all put together.

    No I dont want you to fix the Line anymore , yes I have send a cancellation letter and yes I wont pay for January services which was not delivered and yes you are welcome to blacklist me and or send attorney threatening mails. I will be actioning a counter claim for loss and damages suffered for still not having access to internet. so short and sweet FUCK YOU TELKOM hope you fucking die.

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