My letter to Telkom

2 Dec

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Dear Telkom
This is just a quick note to say how much I abhor you.
I realise that, due to your seemingly infinite stupidity you might not understand the word abhor. Well, let me help you out with that…
Abhor: to regard with extreme repugnance or aversion; detest utterly; loathe; abominate.

Basically what it boils down to, is that I think you are almost like cancer, except for (I am glad to say) there IS hope for cancer sufferers.

“Why” would be a question you would very well have asked by now, had you not been a blithering idiot. I would then proceed to tell you exactly why.
I went in to a Telkom shop to relocate my line. See, I figured that actually going to you might make things a bit smoother. Eliminate one link in the chain of possible fuck ups.
What do you do? Make me call the Telkom help-line (help line, hahaha) from in-store.
Why the fuck do you even have staff in store, or for that matter, stores at all??

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Much to my surprise, I will gallantly admit, the call made was not complete torture. Without out too much brain damage I managed to convey to your seemingly semi-coherent phone-talker that I would like to relocate.
Procedures were followed, details were detailed and arrangements were made. Even some queries with regards to costing options and such relevant to the service I require (which, btw, is internet) happened.
After the call, I was happy. One less thing on my already swamped mind (if you have ever moved, you’ll know what I am talking about). On Tuesday (which is now today) Telkom will send me a tech dude to connect my line and make me internetactive again.
I even got an sms with a larney reference number and everything.

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Now Telkom, the slightly sharper pencils in the packet would have gotten where I am going to with this rant by now. Don’t worry, I’ll spell it our for you (just as soon as you wipe the drool off your chin.. There you go):
YOU FUCKED UP… AGAIN!

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Not only did today go by without any sign of your promised visitor, but when I called to enquire as to his whereabouts, I was told so many different stories that it could be published by Tolkien (don’t worry, I know you won’t get that reference).
First, there was no record of my relocation request. Then suddenly there was a record of my call, but nobody knew why.
Then, all of a sudden your one system said that yes, my line is to be relocated. But, and your helpline oxygen waster was very adamant about this, relocation is impossible BECAUSE THERE IS NO ADSL COVERAGE IN MY NEW AREA??! And all I have to do is understand that the other system did not agree with it and it must have been broken and… Blah blah blah.

Look, you need to understand one thing (and I realise it is difficult, but do try): I do not give a singly flying fuck about your internal workings (using the term working very loosely).
For all that I care you could have 17 tiny fairies running on treadmills while being milked for magical internet juice. I don’t give a fuck.
How you work is your problem. When your highly incompetent helpline operator started to try and explain why I am not getting the service I am paying you pathetic bunch of morons for, I just gave up.

And see, thus is the nature of your company. You make people give up. You, dear Telkom, are dream destroyers. You are nasty bullies on the play-ground of life.
You are the embodiment of everything that is wrong with this wonderful country of ours, and I passionately despise you with every part of my being.

I could go ahead and explain to you how and why and how much of an inconvenience this is. I could even ask you to refund me the money I now have to pay in order for me to get replacement internet. But you won’t give a shit. You never do.
I simply wrote this to vent my frustration.

May your empire burn to the ground amidst no tears whatsoever from me, or the countless others you have screwed over.

Sincerely, FUCK YOU

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One Response to “My letter to Telkom”

  1. Nick 26 April 2016 at 22:54 #

    Wow, you totally summed up my personal feelings for this waste of tax payers money come waste of oxygen come waste of fucking energy called Telkom. Beautifully written article which should make front page headlines, but sadly, we all know that this saga in SA is only one of many on a sad list waiting to be resolved, if ever!!!!!!!!! Fuck the ANC for raping us so hard, and just when we’ve had enough, they put up taxes to compensate for their incompetence….

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